


Uncertain Ties

by SgtPepper007



Series: EXO Oneshots [9]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Idols, Insecurities, Mental Breakdown, doubts, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 03:35:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20251519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SgtPepper007/pseuds/SgtPepper007
Summary: The EXO members finally have a day off, and Sehun is homesick, doubting too many things about his choice of being an idol and leaving his family behind. However, he finds comfort in Minseok's arms and their strong, unparalleled bond.





	Uncertain Ties

Sloped down on his bed while wearing a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt with warm socks, Sehun was letting the smooth material he was laying on relax his sore muscles, his tough and daily practices not sparing his body at all. He stared at the ceiling of his room, bored, with countless thoughts flooding his mind that enabled him to relax fully, and his body that was itching to move by habit. He wasn’t used to have a free day like this one and while it felt great to do absolutely nothing for once, he got tired of not keeping himself busy after ten minutes. He managed to have enough hours of sleep so he would feel energized for the whole day, yet he couldn’t do anything else than laying down on his bed, waiting for the time to pass by as the sound of the clock ticking at every second reminded him that it was too slow to his taste.

After another minute or two, or probably less since his perception of time was greatly influenced by his boredom, he sat on his bed and looked at the pile of papers by his desktop. Those were the lyrics he had to learn by heart as well as its rhythm for his recordings, and a script he had to practice for his next shooting. He hadn’t managed to learn half of it yet and the thought of his next schedules was itching in his mind and in his fingertips as he was battling against his desire to flip the pages and read its content. He had promised to himself that he wouldn’t touch it, but he hadn’t been able to restrain himself earlier. It was like the papers were looking straight at him, pleading for him to touch them and to revise the words on it. His duties kept flooding his thoughts and he couldn’t do anything else but to give in to the temptation that was to keep him busy, to occupy his mind. He wasn’t at fault; his body was conditioned in this way as soon as he became a trainee. And now that he was getting older and that he was quite a successful idol, these reflexes were only strengthening. 

As he was weighing the options of either opening his laptop to watch a movie or picking up the pile of papers once again, one of his members entered his room, interrupting his dilemma. “May I join you?” Sehun looked at the entrance of his room and saw Minseok by the door frame with two beers in hands. He held them up and smiled, “I brought one for you, if you would like to drink a bit with me. It’s been a while since we’ve shared a drink, only the two of us.”

Sehun smiled back, happy to have the company of his older friend, and shifted on his bed so he could leave more space for him. He took two of his pillows and placed one against his back while leaning on the wall that was by the bed, landing the other pillow to Minseok as he was getting comfortable next to him. The bottles were already opened and they cheered before taking their first sips. Minseok sighed joyfully, visibly happy of the soothing effect the drink had on his body as well as its taste. Sehun closed his eyes and took a second sip while resting his head on the wall and letting himself loosen up.

“Don’t tell me you still worked even though it’s a day off?” Minseok asked while pointing at the pile of papers on the desk. 

Sehun sighed, “I couldn’t help it.” 

Minseok hummed in response. “If I see you touch the papers today, you won’t be very happy about what I’ll do.” 

The younger grinned at his playful threat, “And what is it you will do if I end up doing it again?” 

Minseok glanced at him, “I still haven’t figured it out. But trust me; you don’t want me to even start coming up with ideas.”

Sehun laughed, amused, and continued to drink his cold beer, letting a sigh of contentment past his lips at the taste of the alcohol going down his throat. Minseok’s company was exactly what he needed, as he figured out at that moment. He knew that he was right; they had been looking forward this day off for so long, he couldn’t waste this golden opportunity to relax for once, even though his mind was constantly fighting against the forced rest.

“I heard you talking on the phone earlier, was it with your parents?” 

Sehun nodded, “Yes. I called them. They were happy to have some news from me. They even talked about the TV show I am in. They praised my acting skills.” He smiled at the thought of the kind words his mother and father had told him earlier. They had always been supportive of him and he couldn’t feel luckier. 

“That’s great.” Minseok rubbed Sehun’s thigh soothingly before taking another sip of his beer. “I should call my parents later.”

They both stayed in silence for a while, just enjoying their company as well as their drinks. Sehun’s mind was slowly emptying, letting most of his thoughts related to his tasks behind, even though some were still creeping their way in, but he pushed them away and focused on Minseok’s body close to his, radiating the warmth only a dear friend could. Their gazes were focused on the wall in front of them, mostly dull and without much decoration. Sehun didn’t spend much time in his bedroom anyway, so he didn’t bother adding much to it. But as he was scanning his walls, he thought that maybe a little bit of creativity wouldn’t hurt.

Minseok took another sip of his beer while Sehun recalled his previous conversation on the phone with his parents. It had actually bothered him, and it did every time he contacted them for specific reasons. Some thoughts had been hovering in his mind for a while, and he was debating whether he should talk about his worries with his friend or not, worries that have been hard to bear for way too long. The more the time passed by and the two men drank, the more Sehun felt like it would be the perfect moment to lift the weight off his shoulders. The need to spill his thoughts out only increasing. After making up his mind and deciding not to cower up, he gave in. “You know, hyung…There has been something on my mind for a long time now.” Minseok hummed, his gaze still focused on the dull wall in front of them. Sehun took it as a sign to continue, “I have been feeling very weird with my family lately...for years, even.”

Minseok directed his eyes towards his friend who was fidgeting with his beer in hand, undoubtedly nervous. He wondered what could make him worry as much and shifted on the bed so he would be facing Sehun, putting his pillow on his knees while he was sitting crossed legged with his bottle in hand. He froze for a second when the liquid almost spilled on the covers, but shifted cautiously when he made sure there were no stains. Sehun looked at him and sipped his beer nervously, the drink already half empty. There was nothing to be so worried about, but it somehow unnerved him to voice his thoughts out loud for the first time.

“I have always considered my family as one of my priorities. You and all the other members know that my parents are very important for me.” Minseok nodded, entirely focused on the younger’s words. “But I feel so distanced from them, so far away. Not just physically, but mentally too. I…” he shifted nervously, “I feel as if my bond with them only weakens with time.” Sehun looked into Minseok’s eyes, uncertainty apparent in his gaze. 

“Is it because you barely see them?” Minseok asked. 

The younger played with the bottle in his hand, scratching the sticker with the name of the brand with his nails, “Partially. There are other reasons too.” Minseok never once left his eyes, curious and genuinely worried about what the other had in mind. Sehun took a deep breath before continuing, “I became a trainee at quite a young age, and I still remember the times when I got home after practice or when I left to go to school, the times when I did everything in my power to spend every single free moment I had in hands with them when I was not studying or practicing. But as I got older, and as my schedules got more and more packed, vacations rare or mostly spent by filming some special series for our fans, I noticed that I don’t even know who my parents are anymore, or rather that they probably don’t even know me like they used to.” 

He averted his eyes and fiddled with the scratched sticker before meeting his eyes again with Minseok’s, who was as attentive as earlier. “People change and grow from their experiences, right? My parents are still the same, I know them well, I remember their habits, their expressions, their gestures, but I noticed when I last saw them that they were getting old as well. I was hit by how much I couldn’t recognise them as much as I used to, how much we have opposite lives. And I am feeling more and more guilty for not being by their side all this time, for being so engrossed into my own personal career that I neglect them, to not help them in times of need, to grow along with them, to age together with them.” He stopped for a while, his eyes looking anywhere but at Minseok’s. “The few times I have spent the past years with them were awkward...The family reunions, the dinners, the parties...I enjoy every single second with them, but I have always felt like I was with long lost family members, people that don’t know me as the person I became, as the man, their son, who became a stranger for them as well because they couldn’t assist me through my growth, just like I couldn’t with them either.”

Minseok was speechless, not expecting Sehun to make such a revelation, to bring up such a serious topic. The silence at that moment was not heavy, Sehun needed it. He looked at the ceiling and let his head rest on the wall as he tilted it backwards, his beer long forgotten at it was now resting on his desktop by the pile of papers. “I feel awful. I feel as if I let them down, as if focusing entirely on my career is selfish of me. Shouldn’t I take care of my parents as much as they have spent years taking care of me? Shouldn’t I also be there for them when they are sick, when they are sad and lonely? Shouldn’t I be able to be by their side physically when they need it the most? Shouldn’t they know how I grew up, how I have changed through the years by other means than seeing me through a TV screen and magazines? Or me sending selcas or facetiming during the rare times our schedules match?”

Minseok scooted closer and put his beer next to Sehun’s. The younger gazed into Minseok’s eyes, tears threatening to spill at the corner of his eyes. “Is it alright to spend so much time far away from the people who have raised me? Who taught me the values I still dearly keep in my heart? In fact, I could even consider that the people who taught me the most are you, the members, instead of my parents.” Before he knew it, hot tears were falling down his cheeks as Minseok soothingly rubbed his thigh. “I really love you all, but I am feeling as if I betrayed my parents by making my own career a priority over everything else. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for them to let their child go so early and to barely have any visits from him for so many years.”

The two friends stayed like this for a while; Sehun letting all his thoughts and feelings out while Minseok listened to every word, showing his support with his gestures and his full attention. Sehun mentioned his intense feeling of guilt, even the duty to stay by their side after everything they have done and sacrificed for him, after all his parents had to go through to not only raise a child, which meant countless compromises and a lot of selflessness, but also for all the support he had from them about his dream, his career path, and so much more. He talked about how thankful he was, yet how awful he felt for not being able to return their kindness. He talked about how he missed them and how sad he was whenever he realised that his own parents could barely keep up with him because of his busy schedules, nor could he do the same on his side. But it wasn't possible to do everything he wished for. He just couldn’t. And saying all his worries to Minseok made his body tense by the flow of tears escaping his eyes, his voice barely stable, all his muscles stiffening, his arms shaking as he was sobbing and clutching his own arms around his legs in comfort as Minseok held him.

Eventually, Sehun said everything bottled up inside of him. He sobbed for the next minutes after letting everything out, but calmed down under Minseok’s comforting and warm touches. The older didn’t say a word, only listening to him and being by his side. Out of the blue, Sehun chuckled while drying his tears with the back of his shirt. “I am sorry, hyung,” his voice cracked, “We were supposed to drink the beers happily and just rest but I am only crying like a baby and spilling nonsense.” 

The older smiled fondly, his eyes squinting by the action and his lips curving, bright and caring. “No, you’re not spilling nonsense. I am glad you could open up to me like this, it had been a while since we’ve had those kinds of conversations.” Sehun hummed and smiled, already feeling better and less tensed. “Do you remember when we used to have a specific day of the week assigned to our ‘deep talks’, as we called them, over bottles of beer, and that we talked all night long?” 

Sehun’s smile widened, “Of course, I do! We even spent hours debating over the question of hate or indifference being the polar opposite of love. And also over so many meaningless things. I even printed papers about multiple topics each time so we wouldn’t run out of ideas.” Minseok laughed, recalling the many questions they debated over, sometimes too drunk to make any sense at all, other times sober enough to come up with impressive theories and answers. “I miss those times,” Sehun added with nostalgia and longing while sniffling and wiping his eyes. The older hummed in response, feeling exactly the same.

Comfortable silence invaded the room again, the ticking of the clock not so long and painful anymore. Sehun fully dried his eyes reddened by it and sighed, many emotions of different nature clouding his mind. 

“Are you happy, Sehun?” Minseok asked, an arm wrapped around his friend’s shoulders. 

“Is it a trick question?” Sehun asked with a glint of playfulness. 

“No, not this time,” Minseok laughed, knowing well to what Sehun was referring to; that specific night when they exchanged countless thoughts about the meaning of the word ‘happiness’ and how it could be achieved, a topic Jongin had the pleasure to join that time. It kept going from serious to absurd, and it was mainly confusing. They were also quite drunk that night. “I am asking it seriously, today. Are you happy? Genuinely happy?” 

The question took the words right out of Sehun’s mouth, having no clue how to react to it. He knew that he was successful, that he loved his job, his fans and his members, whom he considered as a second family, but at the same time, he couldn’t help but wonder who he would have been if he wouldn’t have debuted. He wondered if he would have been happy with another job, by his parents’ side. He wondered what he would have learned without his members, what he would have done without their precious friendship. He valued the contact with the amount of people around him that made him question so many things, that made him discover aspects about himself he wasn’t aware of before, that inspired him to be a better man, to keep improving and going forward. 

Would it have been the same without them? Was following his career really selfish? Or was it a part of his fate? 

Were his parents happy for him? They had always said so. And they were very proud, encouraging him to keep striving for new goals. Maybe just the fact that Sehun dedicated as much of his free time as possible to take care of his parents with all of his might and power was enough proof that he wasn’t selfish, regardless of being with them physically or not. Following his own path might not have been so wrong. It gave him a lot of opportunities that other decisions wouldn’t have been able to bring him. Endless questions without answers, ones he could only come up with theories and possibilities, invaded his mind. But no matter how many doubts he had, how many heartaches he felt on a daily basis because of his homesickness or the number of hardships that comes in pair with his profession, he could affirm one thing: “Yes. Yes, I am happy, Minseok.”

The older looked at Sehun who was genuinely smiling, even though his eyes were just recently dried from a long session of sobs. He patted his shoulder and squeezed it before picking his beer back and sitting next to him, their bodies closer than when he first joined him on the bed. Sehun also took his beer in hand and took a sip, Minseok mirroring his action. 

“Thank you, hyung.” Minseok ruffled Sehun’s hair like a brother would do to the youngest of a family in acknowledgement, understanding fairly well all the meaning behind the three words that were much deeper than the surface.

They drank their beer in silence again, and Sehun thought that he might have questions that were impossible to figure out, but that he would eventually find their answers, no matter how many years, tries, fails and experiences it would take. He could end up regretting many decisions he took, just like how he was questioning a lot of things and feeling guilty like never before, but at least, he would have tried. He was looking forward the next time he would have a break to visit his parents.


End file.
